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Dumb Mikey decided he was going to save some money by painting his house himself, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend. The first day, he paints the front of his house and all is well. The second day, he paints the left side of the house. The third day he starts the back of the house and the fourth day, he has to continue with the back of the house.
His girlfriend is dismayed and asks him, “the first day you started out like gangbusters and finished the whole front of the house, what happened the last few days, did you lose your motivation?” To which Mikey replies, “no, it just gets harder every day because I have to walk further and further to the paint can.”
Mikey decides to call his neighbor to wish her a happy birthday. As soon as the neighbor answers the phone, Mikey starts singing at the top of his lungs, “Happy Birthday to you . . .” After completing his rendition of the birthday song, the lady says, “Well thank you very much, but today is not my birthday.”
Mikey asks who it is and is embarrassed that he dialed the wrong number. “Please forgive me for the intrusion,” says Mikey, and the lady said, “Oh no need to apologize, you need all the practice you can get.”
Mikey had never been deer hunting until his buddy Bill asked him to come along. When they get into the woods, Bill tells Mikey, “Now if you shoot a deer, don’t let someone else claim that they killed it and it’s their deer.” Mikey says that he understands and climbs up the blind. Bill continues on to the next blind and hadn’t been there more than five minutes before he hears shooting.
So he rushes back to where he had left Mikey and finds him pointing his weapon at a man. The man is yelling at the top of his lungs, “It’s your deer, it’s your deer. Just lemme get my saddle off of it.”
Mikey decides on a winter’s day that he has had enough of the weather. He didn’t have a lot of money for a resort, but paid for it anyway. After about a week he calls his mom in Arlington and she asks him how he is doing. “I’m fine” says Mikey, “but there are some really strange people staying at this resort.” “Why do you say that” asks his mom.
“Well” says Mikey, “One woman cries all day and another lies on the floor moaning. Then there is the guy next door who bangs his head on the wall all day.” “Son, I am worried about you,” says mom, “you stay away from those people.” To which Mikey replies, “Oh no mom, I have been staying in my suite all day everyday playing my trumpet.”
Mikey had just finished reading the book, Man of the House. He stormed into the
kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law!” He continues, “I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when
I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director."
Mikey knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity. “Please ma’am,” he says when she opens the door, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, his wife is too ill to work and they have three adorable little children.” “Oh Dear,” says the woman, “how can I help?” Mikey says, “they are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.” “That’s the worst thing I’ve heard all my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?” To which Mikey replies, “I’m their landlord.”
Mikey and his buddy Billie are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The patrolman walks up to the driver’s side and when Billie rolls down his window, WHACK!, the patrolman hits him in the back of the head with the stick. “Why’d you do that?” asks Billie. The patrolman says, “Son, when we pull you over in Alabama, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”
The patrolman runs a check on the license and finds it’s clean, so he walks around the back of the car to the passenger side. Mikey rolls down the window and WHACK!, the patrolman hits him in the back of the head with the stick. Mikey asks, “What was that for?” The patrolman says, “Just making your wish come true?” Bewildered, Mikey says, “Making my wish come true?” and the officer replies, “Two miles down the road you were gonna say to your buddy, I wish that idiot would have tried that with me.”
It was a beautiful day yesterday and my wife and I decided to go into DC and take a tour on one of the double-decker busses that run you around the city to see all the sites. As we were boarding the bus we saw Mikey also boarding the same bus. As luck would have it, Mikey was ahead of us in line and when we got up to the top of the bus, there was only two seats left and of course Mikey took one of them. So we made our way back downstairs and had to make do with seats at the bottom of the bus.
After about an hour of riding around in the lower portion of the bus, we decided to go back upstairs and see if there were any seats available. As we came up, we noticed that Mikey was holding on the to the seat back in front of him so tightly that his knuckles were white. When I asked him, “Mikey, what’s wrong, we’re having a great time on the bus.” Mikey looks at as us wide eyed and foolish and says, “Sure you are, but you have a driver.”
Mikey suspects that his wife is cheating on him so he goes to a gun show in Richmond and buys handgun. Then, he sneaks back up to Arlington and goes to his house, where he creeps up slowly and through a window sees her in the arms of another man. Highly upset and full of emotion, Mikey pulls open the door and walks in on them. However, he is emotionally charged and is quickly overcome by grief. So he takes his gun and points it at his own head. His wife, says, “Mikey stop, it’s not what you think.” To which Mikey replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
Mikey and his buddy Billy Ray are digging a ditch on a very hot and humid day. Billy Ray asks Mikey, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is up there in the shade of a tree?” “I don’t know,” replied Mikey, “I’ll go ask him.” So he climbed out of the hole and went to the boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?” “Intelligence,” the boss said. “What’s intelligence?” asked Mikey.
The boss said, “I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.” Mikey took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’ hand. The boss removed his hand and Mikey hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!” Mikey went back to his hole. Billy Ray asked, “What’d he say?” “He said we are down here because of intelligence.” “What’s intelligence?” Billy Ray asked. Mikey put his hand on his face and said, “Take your shovel and hit my hand.”
Mikey and his two buddies Billy Joe and Bobby Ray were hanging around recently and decided to go for a spin in Billy Joe’s new wheels. Unfortunately for them, they slid on ice and had a horrendous accident, sending them to meet their maker. When they get to the Pearly Gates, they are told by St. Peter that from there they have to climb 1000 steps to heaven. At each step he will tell them a joke; if they don’t laugh they can continue up the stairs. If they laugh, they will not be able to reach heaven.
Up the stairs they go and Bobby Ray makes it to the 45th step before he laughs and is banished from heaven. Billy Ray fairs much better making it to the 200th step before bursting out in laughter of St. Peter’s joke. Mikey, makes it all the way to stair number 999 and then breaks up and chortles after St. Peter tells him the joke. “Why did you laugh,” St. Peter asks. To which Mikey replies, “I just got the first joke.”